may 2025, i am not a mom

I thought mother's day would be insufferable this year, as it's my first since working in a children's store. I've spoken about this before, probably too many times, but I really don't like being acknowledged on mother's day. I hate to think of hurting anyone's feelings, the people who struggle with infertility, who want nothing more than to parent, or more specifically, to be a mom.

I used to think I might want to be a mom, or more accurately, I never thought about it one way or the other. I vaguely remember saying the things little kids, especially little girls, are conditioned to believe. I know I said I wanted 12 kids at some point, but that was around the time I missed my cousins who had moved away and, with them, took our chaotic holiday celebrations. I saw Cheaper by the Dozen, the one made for my generation, starring Steve Martin, Hilary Duff, and Bonnie Hunt, who I had fantasies about mothering me. It seemed so incredible to have a full house! Oh yeah, Full House. The other reason I thought I'd have one.

In my 20s, when I was actually dating, though I didn't have the kind of sex that can get you pregnant until I was 22, I assumed I wanted kids. I'd be a great mom; everyone told me so! I knew I'd be a great mom because I already felt like one, and I'd heard lots of women say that throughout my life. "The only thing I ever wanted to be was a mom," and thoughts like that. I'd never given much thought to what I actually wanted in my life. It wasn't encouraged! I lived a day-by-day, paycheck-to-paycheck upbringing, where I needed to be as well-behaved as possible to counteract the misbehavior of my older brother and to care for my younger brothers. My mom and none of the adults in my life actually asked me what I wanted or needed, what I liked, or what I was into. I wasn't encouraged to dream, be, or think about the future. Although it was unlike me, I fabricated my five-year plan essay in high school and wrote about teaching English in a foreign country, such as Germany. The counselor or college advisor or whoever talked to me about it, and for years, I thought it was because they were so impressed, but looking back, they were probably concerned.

When no one asks you who you are or what you want to be, the platitudes come in. So when I was falling in love, and when I started to have sex, the thing that actually could make me a mom, I thought that's what I wanted. Not that I was striving toward it in any way--in fact, quite the opposite. I only dated people who would certainly never commit enough to even have a conversation about reproducing. And when I did, I callously broke their hearts instead of having a conversation. I think because I didn't know there was a conversation to be had. I just didn't...know.

Slowing down, years of therapy, years of self-education, and years of experiencing parenthood through new eyes, ears, and hearts taught me what I wanted. Watching my friends raise their children, both the good and the bad, made me want to be fully present for them, ensuring these kids had the best lives they could have, regardless of the harsh realities of life. I knew I loved kids (always have), and as I got older, I loved them even more. I find them fascinating, fun, engaging, hilarious, honest. And I don't want to be pregnant and raise one. I don't want to adopt one, at least at this point in my life. But I want to spend more time with kids. More and more time.

Working at a (vintage) children's (resale) store has been awesome, other than it being long retail hours and basically minimum wage. My customers are toddlers and babies. I get to interact with all kinds. I love the ones who are unsure about me, about all strangers, and just stare with deep judgment as I talk to them. I love saying "how's your life been" to babies who have just started making eye contact and smiling. I love when a little girl is pissed off, and I get to tell her, "you be mad, kid!" I love seeing what kids are drawn to and what they aren't. I love when a kid walks into the store, sees the quarter horse, and starts petting it. I love when a kid walks in and is deeply unimpressed with the selection. I love when kids say "baby? baby? baby?" over and over when they find every doll in the store. I love kids deeply.

And I love not being a mom. Deeply.

Because mother's day is a notably hard holiday, there's a whole thing online that has bled into real life where everyone wants to acknowledge the people who might be having a hard time on the day. It happens on most holidays, but mother's day feels extra sensitive. I never want to come across as insensitive, though I think some people think I am. I am an abortion advocate, but I am also a person who understands reproduction. I am deeply sad when someone miscarries a pregnancy. I am devastated when someone gives birth to a baby who has died. I see moms, the ones with living kids, the ones with kids who aren't living. I know when someone is a mom of three, not two because she had a stillborn birth. I know when someone has three kids but has had seven pregnancies. I think about these things. They mean a lot to me. I'm so sorry for everyone who wants to be something they cannot be, especially something like a parent, which is sold to us as a guarantee if we wish to do it.

But I am not a mom. I don't struggle with infertility because I'm not trying to get pregnant. I am never going to "start a family" because I already have one. I think 19 things could have been different in my life that would have made me have children, but that's not the version I'm living. I am deeply sad with and for you if you want to be a mom and you're not one or if you feel like a mom and want to be acknowledged as such.

But I am not a mom. I'm a sister! A big one and a little one. I'm a girlfriend, someone who deeply loves her partner and their life. I'm a daughter. I'm not a real aunt, but I'm "Auntie Jess" to so many. I'm a friend. I have mothered, I will mother, I learn and study and am fascinated with parenting as a concept, but I? Me? Not a mom! So don't include me or think of me on mother's day.

Here's what I read this month instead of, you know, being a mom.

[books I read]

The Happy Ever After Playlist by Abby Jimenez (2020) | Quick summary: A bereaved woman and a rising pop-rock star fall in love, largely due to a dog named Tucker.
This book starts with Tucker, the dog, jumping through the sunroof of Sloan's car on the anniversary of her late boyfriend's death. She thinks this dog has been abandoned, as she cannot get hold of his owner, Jason, until one day, Jason calls her back. I loved the beginning of this book and wish this love story had played out via texts and voicemails. Instead, the meet-cute is quick, these two fall deeply in love really quickly, and the story goes in a million different directions. It's giving a less tragic A Star Is Born, and I just didn't like it. This was my first book written by Jimenez (I think??), and I don't think she's a very good writer! Sorry![fiction, contemporary romance, written by a filipino american new york times bestselling author, longer than it needed to be]

Confrontations by Simone Atangana Bekono (2020; translated in 2024) | Quick summary: Salomé is in juvenile detention for a violent crime and has to attend counseling with a racist psychologist, among other problems.
I liked this book, but I didn't love it, which I think is more of a me-problem than a problem with the book itself. It was translated (I love translations, and I'm endlessly grateful for them!) from Dutch, which always makes me wonder how much of the original sentiment has been accurately conveyed into English. That's not meant to insult the translator right after saying I am so grateful for translations, but English is so limited for such an expansive language. Anyway, Bekono is a poet, and it shows. There are some truly beautiful sentiments and harsh truths in this story.
[fiction, literary fiction, coming of age, written by a Black dutch author, translated by suzanne heukensfeldt jansen, shorter read]

Ace of Spades by Faridah Àbíké-Íyímídé (2021) | Quick summary: Someone who goes by Aces threatens the two Black students at school with anonymous text messages to reveal their secrets and threaten their futures.
I only picked this up to fulfill the "queer mystery" prompt in the Book Riot challenge (see below), but I found the pacing to be really fun and sharp. It took me weeks to read it because I kept putting it off for something more up my alley, but regardless, it was enjoyable! I think there are more in this series, but I probably won't seek them out. I'm fine with this happy ending!
[teen and YA fiction, suspense, written by a Black british novelist, short-story writer, and columnist, long read]

[books I heard]

We Keep the Dead Close: A Murder at Harvard and a Half Century of Silence by Becky Cooper (2020) | Quick summary: The story of an unsolved murder at Harvard in the late 1960s.
I'm not a _{True Crime} person at all. Sure, I grew up watching Rescue 911 and other shows I didn't want to watch but were always on, but when the podcast-murder popularity burst happened a few years back, I didn't subscribe. I don't find enjoyment in murder, I think about the dead person's family the entire time, and often find the reveal to be not worth the exploitation that goes with a murder story. However, sometimes a story breaks through and I'm interested, like this well-researched tome. I didn't love it! I got lost a lot along the way and started to mix up stories and murders. This reminded me a bit of Twin Peaks in that Jane felt like a Laura Palmer but even that is shitty because Jane was a real person and Laura Palmer was not. Anyway, this was fine. I almost ditched it halfway through, but felt like accomplishing the full read/listen.
[nonfiction, murder history, written by a white american author, read by the author, long listen]

Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America by Ibram X. Kendi (2016) | Quick summary: A history of anti-Black racist ideas told in five parts.
I say this every few bookletters, but I really enjoy pulling up my least recently added TBR and reading books I wanted to read back in 2016-2017. Obviously, as someone who has studied Black history her whole life and is also a biracial Black person, Stamped from the Beginning and Ibram X. Kendi have both been on my radar for nearly a decade. But I finally got to reading this, or instead, listening. It was so complex, historically heavy, accurate, and compelling. It's broken into 5 parts and goes from 1415 to "today," or 2016. There are now several versions of this book available: Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, You and Stamped (for Teens): Racism, Antiracism, and You, and Stamped from the Beginning: A Graphic History of Racist Ideas in America.
[nonfiction, Black history, written by a Black american author, professor, anti-racist activist, and historian of race and discriminatory policy, read by christopher dontrell piper, longgg listen]

Son of Elsewhere: A Memoir in Pieces by Elamin Abdelmahmoud (2022) | Quick summary: The coming-of-age memoir from a kid who emigrates with his family from Sudan to Ontario.
After finishing the very long listen that is Stamped from the Beginning, I had Son of Elsewhere waiting for me. Actually, I tried to find something else to listen to because I thought it'd be too similar, which is kind of funny looking back. Son of Elsewhere is a perfect millennial memoir that explores identity, Blackness, music, media, and dating. Abdelmahmoud wrote for BuzzFeed in its heyday, and it shows in the structure of this novel, which is both deeply personal, funny, and pop culture-ific. I loved Abdelmahmoud's voice throughout this book and found it so funny that I almost returned it because I wanted something more light-hearted. Abdelmahmoud's life hasn't been a breeze by any means, but his takes on Linkin Park and The OC were exactly what I needed to follow up a big historical nonfiction book.
[nonfiction, memoir, written by a sudanese-canadian writer, commentator, and broadcaster, read by the author, medium-length listen]

Red Paint: The Ancestral Autobiography of a Coast Salish Punk by Sasha taqʷšəblu LaPointe (2022) | Quick summary: An intersectional autobiography about land, lineage, strength, healing, and life.
I am obsessed with this book. It reminded me that I love reading about Seattle and the Pacific Northwest, as well as the regions I've grown up in and around. Even more so, I love reading about those lands through the eyes and hearts of indigenous folks. Sasha taqʷšəblu LaPointe became one of my favorite writers after listening to this memoir, in which she poignantly discusses her familial history, the lands of her ancestors, the beauty of the Pacific Northwest, Twin Peaks, and love. I could have listened to 19 more hours of this memoir and will be purchasing it, as well as seeking out everything else LaPointe has written. I found a piece of rose quartz for $1 at a rummage sale the day after finishing this memoir, and it felt like this book did: healing.
[nonfiction, memoir, sociology, written by an indigenous pacific northwest author from the upper skagit and nooksack indian tribes, read by the author, shorter listen]

[reading challenges]

• For Seattle Summer Book Bingo:
  • Red Paint: The Ancestral Autobiography of a Coast Salish Punk by Sasha taqʷšəblu LaPointe: "PNW Nature" and/or "BIPOC Historical Fiction/Nonfiction."
• For Book Riot’s 2025 Read Harder Challenge:
  • Ace of Spades by Faridah Àbíké-Íyímídé: "read a queer mystery."
  • Red Paint: The Ancestral Autobiography of a Coast Salish Punk by Sasha taqʷšəblu LaPointe: "read a book based solely on its setting" and/or "read a nonfiction book about nature or the environment."
• Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America by Ibram X. Kendi: "read a banned book."
• Son of Elsewhere: A Memoir in Pieces by Elamin Abdelmahmoud: "read a book about little-known history."
• The Happy Ever After Playlist by Abby Jimenez: "read a 'cozy' book by a BIPOC author."

[books I recommend]

"I was already tired tomorrow, just from today." The Happy Ever After Playlist

"All black people identify with broken people
all black people identify with abandoned people
all black people are criminals." Confrontations

"When you grow up like this, whether it’s in your nature or not, sometimes survival overpowers doing the right thing." Ace of Spades

"There are no true stories; there are only facts, and the stories we tell ourselves about those facts." We Keep the Dead Close

“Black Americans’ history of oppression has made Black opportunities—not Black people—inferior.” Stamped from the Beginning

"We do things out of fear and we do things out of love and no one tells you what happens when you act from both places at once." Son of Elsewhere

"But here we were, existing in our impermanent homes." Red Paint: The Ancestral Autobiography of a Coast Salish Punk