notes on a celebrity: sydney sweeney sucks

I didn't watch Euphoria because teenagers having sex and doing drugs stresses me out so deeply, so the first time I experienced Sydney Sweeney was in the first season of The White Lotus. Her character in The White Lotus is bitchy, judgmental, and monotonous, somewhat reminiscent of a Kourtney Kardashian, but somehow less charming, which I'd never usually say about Kourtney Kardashian. I liked the first season of The White Lotus, but the whole thing about The White Lotus is that it's an ensemble. And in an ensemble, Sydney Sweeney does not stand out.

I don't even remember why or how I finally decided to watch Anyone but You, 2023's romcom starring homegirl and Glen Powell, but I regretted it immediately. I had to go to Wikipedia just now to remember the plot of the film (and the title tbh) because what I remember is that the movie has a relatively extensive Titanic reference, none of the relationships were believable, the Black people felt like tokens, and it was really confusing why the wedding was randomly in Australia.

The other thing I remember is that there was alllllll of this hubbub during press time because Big Movie wanted us to think Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney were in love. Two hot people! Imagine them fucking! But here's why that didn't work for me: I dislike Sydney, and though I like Glen Powell, it's in the same way I like seeing those inflatable, waving, smiling air tubes outside car washes. I think he has chemistry with every person I've ever seen him with, regardless of gender, because he's like a puppy. Everyone is happy around a puppy, even if you don't like dogs.

But Sydney Sweeney isn't a puppy, or an inflatable, waving, smiling air tube, so even Glen couldn't pull off the chemistry.